AfterMaTh (initials) -- drafted texts i never sent

I apologized to you for jumping to conclusions and i apologized to your mother for being hysterical and i apologized for the pills. I apologized, then I walked away and when you didn't follow me, i assumed we were done. I apologized.

I don't think i have the face of your enemy. I think I have that face you're scared to think about late at night when you're half drunk having a panic attack, thinking about how things used to be, wishing things could be the way they used to be.

I lost my mind in your darkness, and i can't tell if i should see a doctor or just die.

i left my soul in the passenger seat of your mustang and i put my sadness out to dry flat on the dashboard. There was comfort in your mess. You had my hell in your pocket and I liked to think that I was your bodyguard.

Your parents and I have something in common. We both love to pretend that I do not exist when I am out in publc.

Your mother is part of the reason i tried to kill myself in November. Her words banged around in my skull like a richocheting bullet and i didn't know how to make it stop.

Do you ever lay awake late at night an wish that I was with you? Sometimes, four in the morning hits me, pulls me under like cinder blocks tied to my ankles. Anchors. You're an anchor. You kept me grounded, and when you let me go, I drifted off and I can't find my way back. Do you even want me to find my way back? I think you forgot about me. Sometimes, I lay awake late at night and wish that i was with you.

Every time i write, i imagine your face as you read it. Do you think it's about you? Is everything about you? You know, I never once thought you were more than i could handle. I was too busy thinking that I wasn't worth keeping around. I was too busy trying to find new ways to keep myself in your life. I was too busy trying to convince myself that I was enough. I am enough.

Hand me a timeline of my life and I can pinpoint every single moment I thought we'd spend together. Hand me a calendar, and I can point to dates we spent together a year ago, two years, three years, six years ago. My tomorrow doesn't have your name on it anymore.

I haven't seen you in two years. At least, not in person. Hard to believe we live in the same town.

When we were friends--good friends, who hung out all night long and laughed until the sun rose--we never exchanged phone numbers. No texts. No calls. I should've seen this coming. I should've known you'd leave. I should've stayed to myself. I shouldn't have become so attached.

I can't believe thinking about you still makes me feel. I figured I'd be too jaded, too apathetic. I still care and it makes me wish the earth would just open up beneath me, swallow me whole. The worst part is knowing that you wouldn't even notice that I'd left.

"it feels like flying, but maybe we're dying."

Being with you was like breathing deeply after having not breathed in forever. Where I'm at now is similar. Where I'm at now is like breathing deeply after having not breathed in forever, only now I"m underwater.

Knowing that you only ever let me in when it was convenient for you taught me that the only difference between loneliness and being your friend was the smell of your perfume.
  • Current Music: misguided ghosts -- paramore

dying in italics

in my dreams, my casket is open. there's a gaping hole in my head. the wet, squishy tunnel through my brain leaks blood. my eyes are wide open and a stranger is reading my eulogy.  then you're in my iine of sight. you're cradling the side of my head, fingers ghosting over the edge of the exit wound. i bet your fingertips are sticky. you're saying, "goodbye goodbye goodbye. "

i'm talking too. i'm saying, "i'm sorry. i'm still here, i'm sorry i'm sorry."

you kiss my eyelids. "goodbye," you say one final time. i realize then that maybe you weren't talking to me when you were saying  goodbye. you're climbing in next to me. i thrash. you wrap your arms around me and you lay your head in the red puddle that formed beneath me.

i tell you this can't happen. i tell you to leave. i tell you that you've still got time, but i don't think you know what i mean.

the casket closes. your fingers burn my icy skin. I scream. 
  • Current Music: misguided ghosts -- paramore

when i was shutting my eyes (brainspill)

the bags under my eyes aren't coming with me when i leave.
he said i looked jaded;
i said i was tired and fixated on every bad idea i have ever had.
i am Schrödinger's cat.
nobody knows whether or not i am alive on the inside
because i haven't told them yet.
i am the rocks in the pocket of every bridge jumper
and the blade in the hand of every cutter.
i am fake the same way their words are fake when they beg me to stay.
for every pierced ear on every girl on planet earth,
i can count another reason why i am not like them.
they say i just haven't found my place yet, but they don't know
i've had the map backwards my whole life and i'm lost
the way a shoe on the side of the highway is lost
nobody screamed when i asked the world to forget about me..
I wasn't hanging from a rope. I wasn't on a roof, and i wasn't packing heat.
nobody screamed when i was shutting my eyes.
i don't think i'll be missed in the way summer is missed in mid January.
I think I'll be missed in the same way a penny is missed
after it falls down a storm drain. briefly or not at all.
and i don't want them to know that i didn't cry last time i tried to die.
I didn't cry when my mom pretended i wasn't sad. I didn't cry.
i'm not sure when I stopped existing and
started haunting rooms in my apartment.
one day i just wasn't there anymore and nobody was looking for me.
  • Current Music: another set of issues -- ok go

photopost: mostly cats


"don't tell my friends I take pictures of them when they're sleeping."

don't tell my friends I take pictures of them when they're sleeping.
The one with the white is Zelda and the other is Link. They're best friends with each other and also me. I love them a lot.


my new favorite shades.

Zelda and Snapple capple
(taken by Damon)

Zelda and Snapple capple(taken by @damn__damon_)
she looks so grumpy omg

Sleepy babies

adore ♡
Link licks everything like a dog. I think it's because he grew up with dogs.


happy caturday 🐱
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cried when I took this picture. I was sitting on my bed with my laptop writing and he was sleeping against my leg, then he rolled over and it was super cute. Half an hour later, I had to get up to use the bathroom. He usually follows me around the apartment, but this time he didn't even wake up, and so I took a picture before I sat back down. He nuzzled against my knee and and gave a tired little sigh. He's my little man.


nap time with Link

And then I felt chills in my bones. The breath I saw was not my own. I knew my skin that wrapped my frame wasn't made to play this game. |-/
the view from the back wall of our complex in dramatic black and white because I'm edgy as fuck

look at this tree
Damon and I both took pictures of this tree together because we're gay little nuggets.

photographing our cats is my favorite thing to do
Link sitting by the living room window. We kind of have a nice view of our town from that window and i love it a lot.

precious babies ❤

mirror selfie with my friend Link
When they first arrived at our place, Link would do this thing every morning with me. See we had a routine. I'd do my hair, and he would drink out of the faucet. Then I'd brush my teeth, and he'd talk to himself in the mirror. I'd do my make-up, and he'd play with my brushes. Like, I'm not kidding. We did this every morning until he was used to everything. He doesn't do it anymore. This is a picture taken as he was meowing. I died laughing. And then my sister cropped it so it was just Link's head and that's where my new icon came from.

hi there
and here he is, standing on my shoulder as I'm sitting at my desk. He's looking out the window, listening to high school football game that the entire town can hear.

In this one, he's touching my hand, but it looks like he took a selfie.

I woke them up from a nap.

Sleepy baby
This is from when we were just getting to know each other, after he stopped hiding in the bathroom closet

hello cat friend
and this is the first picture i took of Zelda. She's a lot fatter now. 
  • Current Music: Avocado, Baby -- Los Compesinos!

eating dirt

I had a dream that the world was ending. Messenger boys called Ticket Senders went door to door and delivered government issued cards containing apologies and instructions on how to build a fallout shelter.  The sky was bone white all day, and when night fell, I convinced my whole family to take a walk with me under the light of a lunar eclipse.  I stood in the middle of an empty street and watched the shadows eat  the moon little by little until it was gone. It was gone and my mother was tugging on my sleeve. She was scared we would die in the darkness, and I was scared to tell her that I wasn't scared of dying.

I woke up craving a grave, wanting soil for a blanket. Eyes wide open staring straight at the sky, be it bone white or lit by a vanishing moon or filled with fluffy clouds. I wanted to die this morning, and in my dream, my days were numbered. I could've died under collapsed walls, or buried in an underground shelter that caved in upon impact. I could've died choking on dirt and roots and worms. I could've died like that.

I swear it wasn't a nightmare. I swear. 


your lungs fill with smoke. not the kind you want. the dark kind. the kind that swirl overhead and take the sun away.  your lungs fill with thick, black smoke and there's no room for air. you don't scream, or cry, or call for help. it's just the way thigs work out. you want to pull your heart out through the veins in your wrist. you want to swing from the bar in your closet like you swung on swingsets as a child. you want to write the name of every single thing that bothers you on a single bullet and fire it into your brain, so that when the doctors go to remove it, all that shit will finally be out of your head. you blink once. twice. the moon is rising. the thoughts are invasive, unwelcome. just happens sometimes without your say-so. you're staring out the window at the moon rising in the East, past your reflection. you don't want to see her. she's a monster. last night's clothes still scattered on the floor like the body of an old friend. you knew her well you hated her. can't escape that hate. that loathing,lonesome, hollow feeling. that void you can't fill even after tossing gallons of alcohol and hundreds of milligrams into it. you're a black hole. scathing thoughts and broken phrases in need of some kind of repair. no time. no energy. fuck it. fuck all of it. you're digging a grave for yourself. friends tell you to stop, they reach into the hole and lift you out, but there isn't a point, because you're going to die anyway.
  • Current Music: enlighten me -- grouplove
jake the dog (not mine)

autumn skies

and he said, "take a walk with me and we can step on the crunchy leaves."

and she said, "okay, let's go."

and they went.

and she grabbed his hand when they fell back on the grass in the park, and he held on, fingers linked, but not for the same reason. the sky was indigo, air cold, fingers cold, noses cold, eyes bright. he stared at the stars that the night revealed and she stared at the side of his head.

and he said, "do you know any constellations?"

and she doesn't, so she said, "no, do you?"

and he took her hand, told her to extend a finger. they traced ursa minor and major. he showed her where orion lived. they followed the zig zag lines of cassiopeia and he introduced her to leo. he could tell her where they were, but not what they meant.

and she said, "wow," and she whisered, "pretty," to the stars in the sky.

and he said, "yeah," to the side of her head.

  • Current Music: enlighten me -- grouplove

my counselor called it "low self esteem" | 22 September 2016

Ask me
why i am like this
and I'll tell you
it was written
into my code
I was always meant
for destruction
I'm the crack in the wall
that your mother covered with
a painting.
I'm the bulb in a string of
Christmas lights that
burned too bright
and flickered and died.
I am dead batteries
and a cigarette burn
on a fleece blanket
I am the perfect little
knot in a noose,
a pen with no ink,
a composer lacking composure,
a machine with screws loose.
I am back roads covered
in carcasses and decay
and a crack of thunder
at 4AM,
but I think that's okay in
some fucked up way
because you only remember
the names of the hurricanes
that take entire cities
with them.
brand new lyrics

sunshine machine | 3 september 2016

I am the pen that ran out of ink midsentence.
You say nothing about my cold smile, my ice cube teeth
shining in your eyes of fire.
I think you're trying to melt me.
I hold you at arms length, not for me,
but for you.
I am incomplete with sharp edges
you're a whole person on your own.
I don't wnat to see you bleed.
You tell me i'm a Top Priority.
It's a lot more than I am used to being.
Your fingers burn my skin. I scream.
  • Current Mood: all these things that i've done -- the killers
jake the dog (not mine)

all about me | 13 april 2016

i can only see by fluorescent light
and i am constantly torn
between reds and blues

talk to me about all the things
i never finish
they were useless thins anyway.

I've lost more friends than
i have fingers
and i'm asking my cat if i am okay.
he isn't quite sure yet.
  • Current Music: it's cold out here -- modern baseball